Bolts of Clarity

 

Bolts of clarity like shocks of revelation have been descending
Upon me lately in mysterious ways. Like information ascending.
I have pondered events from the past, but it was so vague and obscure,
I just stuck it in a file in my mind, figuring I was way past finding a cure.

I had theorized: “It doesn’t matter anymore. Just close the book
And let it go.” But somehow it’s all being revealed to me. Everywhere I look,
I’m seeing pieces of the puzzle of an ugly, ugly past coming through.
Maybe God has a reason I should know, long before I go.

I cannot fully comprehend such depths of depravity,
But if it is being revealed to me, there must be a reason. I need the clarity,
Like long-ago dreams suddenly revealing their meanings to me,
I not only remember the dream, but all its implications I now see.

It seems to me that this is attempting to tie together a lot I need to know.
I’ll keep on listening and writing this secret story that even I did not know.
When it is all revealed, then is when I will write that story,
Even if I never put it out, maybe one of my descendants could tell the “gore”

Involved in my life from day one. I know it sounds paranoid,
But just now, I’m beginning to put the long, ugly, empty void
Of my unwanted life into words. If I’d understood the bile that boiled out over me,
I would have fully understood my life more clearly. I never bothered to see

All the anger that directed at me. There is one big question, though: why?
As these bits and pieces come together, maybe I’ll find an answer I can untie.
I’m going to start sketching in basic facts as they’re made clear.
It won’t correct the damage done, but there’s a story here I guess I need to hear.

Lucile I. Burke
January 23, 2000